How to Deal With Disappointment

Step 1

1

Let your feelings out; it’s natural that you feel upset or even inconsolable. Some doctors say that dealing with the fact that a major life goal is suddenly closed to you is not different from dealing with grief, so you may really feel that you are “in mourning,” even if it’s over the fact that your book deal didn’t work out, or that your boyfriend broke up with you instead of proposing. It’s perfectly natural to feel incredibly upset and pained, so acknowledge it and accept your pain.

Don’t be ashamed to cry or otherwise express your feelings. This doesn’t necessarily mean doing so in public. Though, letting out your emotions are healthier than suppressing them.

However, avoid lashing out at others. For instance, if you did not get the promotion, writing a bitter e-mail to your supervisor will not only deteriorate the situation, you might get fired.

Step 2

2

Put your problems in perspective. In the immediate aftermath of a disappointment, it’s often really difficult to see the aftermath as anything but an unmitigated disaster.

Ask yourself, Will this matter one year from now? A week? One month? A lot of times, asking this question will bring you back to reality. It’s terrible that you dented your car, but will it be fixed in a week? You failed a quiz, but will that matter when the semester ends with a passing grade? You have an injury, and cannot finish out your spring sport, which is unfortunate, but you can play next year.

Talk to a rational, calm, sympathetic friend or relative about your situation — preferably someone older who has had plenty of setbacks and can offer some more insight.

Writing your feelings and thoughts down can help express frustration, anger, fear, and other negative feelings, too. This can be helpful if you can’t immediately talk to a sympathetic ear. While you’re at it writing your “grief list”, the mere fact of your writing it, kindly takes the focus out your deep-felt present disappointment what with your resilience and your up-bringing start suggesting alternatives that somehow, in a very delicate and sensible way, will let you see some light and hopes.

Identify a real “disaster” versus something less dire. Real disasters do happen to people: losing a home to a fire, getting a diagnosis of leukemia, your town is overrun by an invading army… those are disasters. Failing an exam is not on this scale. It’s easy to fall into the trap of “nothing this bad has ever happened to me!” without realizing that people deal with problems far, far worse than what you are dealing with.

Be careful writing about your disappointment on social media. It can be helpful to hear feedback and support from friends in times of disappointment. But be careful of the particular situation. For instance: your employer could find out you are grousing about work, or your angry comments about your ex-girlfriend could cause her friends to become angry at you.

Step 3

3

Be grateful. You may be thinking, Grateful? How can I be grateful at a time like this? — which is precisely why you should stop moping about whatever it is that went wrong and start thinking about all of the things that are “going right” in your life. Chances are you have a lot to be thankful for: a nice home, a great support network, a promising career, your health, or even your favorite pet. You might be focused on the things you don’t have that you haven’t had a moment to step back and feel blessed for the things that you do have.

Count your blessings. Make a list of all of the things you have to be thankful for. You’ll see that there is a lot more good in your life than bad. And, typically, what you have is more important to you than whatever disappointment you are facing.

Be grateful for your problems. Turn your frustration inside-out. Sure, it’s disappointing that you did not get into your first-choice college… but you have the opportunity to go to college and not everyone has that. Maybe you didn’t get that job you interviewed for… but that opens the door to apply to other jobs that you may have overlooked. Finding out you have diabetes is unfortunate… but you have the opportunity to live a healthy life thanks to modern medicine, something a person 100 years ago did not have.

Step 4

4

Take some time to heal. It’s great to let your feelings out and to acknowledge that you’re feeling sad and disappointed. However, wallowing in self-pity cannot be a long-term plan. There is no particular guideline on how long this should take; but the sooner you start thinking positively, the sooner you’ll be able to make a plan for success.

Take some time to care for yourself physically. You may feel a lot better after taking a long walk and getting some sun.

You may need some time to yourself to “lick your wounds”; that is natural. But don’t isolate yourself for very long, as prolonged moping will not do you any good, either.

Listen to music. Music can help work through feelings, depending on your needs. One person may find comfort in angst-filled heavy metal, another in gospel music, another in Tibetan folk music… whatever works for you.

Express yourself artistically. Artists throughout history have drawn inspiration from disappointment. So compose a song, draw anime, paint a self-portrait… you may feel better and create something beautiful as well.

Physical activity may help for some people. Punching a bag, lifting weights, or something as simple as a jog can relieve both emotional and physical tension. Always be sure to stay within your physical limits.

Step 5

5

Take some time to reflect on what you can learn from your situation. Disappointment is an emotion occurring when what you want to have happen, doesn’t happen. Sometimes it’s simply bad luck, but more often than not our plans or expectations need adjustment.

Was your expectation unrealistic? For instance, your 15-year old girlfriend was probably not going to be the person you were going spend the rest of your life with… teenage relationships typically do not last that long. It still hurts to have a break-up, but realizing you weren’t married and that you will date many, many people in your life may help soften the blow.

What can I do better next time? You did awful on your SAT. Fortunately, there are many programs, books, and other resources available to do better next time. Plus, you have the experience to know what to expect next time. Finally, you typically have many chances to shine.

Avoid dwelling on blame. Okay, so maybe you messed up — or maybe life is just unfair. Even if you did have something to do with it, give up the regret and move forward. And if you don’t have anything to do with it — you’re working your butt off and your boss still won’t give you a raise — then take a step back and see that it’s the world that is a little unfair right now, but that you’ve done everything in your power to move ahead.

Step 6

6

Adjust your expectations. Plenty of would-be actors flood Hollywood hoping for stardom, and rarely do they achieve success without a lot of disappointment. That is, if they find work at all. Actors who “make it” typically work relentlessly to find roles, get told “no” over and over again, get very minor roles at best, and yet remain optimistic. A person who thinks getting a leading movie role will be easy, gets frustrated every time they don’t get picked for a call-back, and is not willing to keep trying will likely never make it in Tinsel-town.

Ask yourself, am I impatient? Becoming good at something generally takes an extremely long time, and this is something generally not depicted well on television or movies, for instance: a 5 minute “training montage” compresses a character’s efforts that would have actually taken weeks or years.